Communication - the 'deadly words'

Back in 1970 a fellow by the name of Birdwhistle conducted a study on communication at the University of Pennsylvania. What he discovered about how we humans communicate was quite revolutionary. The study showed that 55% of communication is physiology (posture, gesture, facial expression, eye movements and breathing), 38% is tonality (pitch, speed, quality and loudness of voice) and only 7% of communication are the words that we use. Those "words" create meaning in each individual's internal representational system based on the experiences of that person or on common experiences that we all have. Even though "words" are only 7%, they can have a very profound impact because of the meanings that we all attach to them. Some words that we all use every day can even be deadly. Six "deadly" words are: don't, try, why, but, can't and should. Let's look at each of these words one at a time.

Don't ...

What is it you think about when I say " don't think of a pink elephant" or "don't think of a purple frog". The human mind, or more specifically the "unconscious mind" cannot process a negative. What this means is that, as you discovered from reading the above sentences, is that: in order to not think of "pink elephant" or a "purple frog" you first had to think of one in order to not think about it. Have you ever told a two year old " don't touch that " only to see them proceed to touch the object? How about telling a friend "don't slip" only to watch them fall? or "Don't forget to call?" What will happen? You guessed it. Whenever you use the word "don't" remember that the person you are talking to has to process the words that follow the "don't" before even considering the "don't" in the sentence. Therefore, if you learn to use a positive statement instead, your instructions have a much better chance of being followed. "Remember to call" or "Watch your step" or "Purple frog? What purple frog?"

Try ...

Please try and stand up. No. No. I said, "try" to stand up. The point is that to "try" is to make a futile attempt at doing something. Not actually doing the thing. We all use "try" all the time, usually as an excuse, to satisfy a request that we are reluctant to do. So we say we will "try" to do a thing, knowing full well that we are not going to do it, so later we can say " I tried." So what happened to honesty? Remember, whenever you say "I'll try" or you hear "I'll try" or "I tried" what is really being said is "I don't want to, but I'll pretend I do, to make you happy."
"Either do a thing or do it not. There is no try" Yoda

Why ...

Whenever someone asks you "why" you did or didn't do a thing, what is your natural response? To come up with and excuse? "Because!" The normal tendency of all humans is to come up with some reason in response to the question "why?" Whenever you ask "why," what is the information that you are really looking for? Aren't you really wanting to know: for what purpose; or how they decided; or when they chose; or where they decided; or who decided. You'll find that you will both give and get better information in response to; what, how, when, where, who, instead of "why." Besides, "why" is so "whinny."

But ...

"I love you with all my heart, but ......." "But" is a real interesting word. It has the ability to negate all the words that are in front of it. "But" is a conjunction so is the word "and" what happens if, in a sentence, you replace the word "but" with "and?" Let's play with this one. "You do great work, you produce more loans than anyone else in the company, BUT you have the very sloppy work habits." Is that sentence going to make your top producer love you more or less? You could say "You do great work, you produce more loans than anyone else in the company, AND you will make even more money when you learn to take better applications." So go ahead and use "AND" instead of "BUT" and see what happens. After all, do you want to be a BUT head??

Can't ...

Can't, what does it mean? "Can't" is a contraction for can not. "Can" means able to, "not" means not willing to. In other words able to do the process of not doing. Typically we use can't as a cop-out statement when what we really mean is "I can but I'm not willing to do something. So, next time you hear the word "can't" coming out of your mouth just remember that you're really saying, "I'm able to do that, but I'm not willing to."
Should
Could with a little shame in front of it.

In NLP we have a saying that "the meaning of your communication is in the response you get." Using the above suggestions will help you communicate better and more clearly, with yourself and others, to achieve the response you truly want.

Dave Udy

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